Why am I writing this, worse still posting it? It’s got to do with the cloud that weighed those hate-filled days – when I felt let down, worthless…hopeless – finally passing over. But equally because I want to share the fact that ‘letting go’ is the only solution.
When people you believed were your own turn to scathe you, you feel like jumping off the cliff, or at least pushing them over. But it isn’t until you feel miserable enough that you ponder if it is your expectation or their action that’s the cause of your condition.
When your sincerity and credibility are not valued, you lose faith in your convictions.
And when both these take turns, consecutively repeating over a period, you feel hopeless… So did I.
Until, like the proverbial last nail in the coffin, I watched the person I love the most suffer. And I couldn’t do anything about it. None of my other pain were worth even mentioning when compared to this. Helplessly, I withdrew.
Not many knew the turbulence within me, simply because I never posted my emotional and mental index on Facebook. Thanks to my dear friend, I found semblance. He minces no words. When he spelt out the reason for my suffering, which he repeated to me thrice over, urging me to accept it, I felt blessed, having him as my mentor and guide.
And then the cloud began drifting off… and for the first time in more than a month, I decided to step out of home. [BTW, I did go to work. But none there observed me. I am a good actor – one positive that came off this one month]
This Friday we decided to go visiting one of our old friends, whom we had not met for the last at least six months. The husband rang up to check if they are at home [a Dubai practice, I guess].
My friend was her usual sweet self as she opened the door to us. She settled us, offered water and excused herself, “Sorry. 5 minutes. Ill join you’ll.” She hurried off.
I noticed something was not right. I looked around and saw the house neat, yet cluttered. Nothing like the spic-n-span conscious couple. The corridor leading to the living room was dark; their kitchen door was locked; the kids came greeting in their pyjamas. As promised my friend returned in less than 5 minutes with a wet towel on her shoulders, brushing her hair. She looked tired, despite smelling of body wash. “All well?” I asked.
They had just landed from a three-week holiday, on board an over-night flight! My guilt new no bounds. “We thought you’ll were back last week. You should have told us that you’ll…” The couple just stopped short of reprimanding me for voicing my concern. This is the gist of the long 10-minute advice they gave me…”What’s friendship, if we were to see our schedules and commitments and physical state to catch up?”
And so we got talking…four hours later, when we took leave, I felt blessed having them as my friends.
This, in an age when people refuse to pick up calls when they are busy or reply in ums and ahs as a hint to get lost…
Last week, when I was alone, [with the husband travelling], a young friend was on phone with me every single day, when he should have been blasting it off with his group. He’s a product of the ‘me-and-my-needs’ only generation, who’s on a high after landing his first job last month. Does he really enjoy keeping me company? I wondered.
While on the ‘me-and-my-needs-only’ generation, yet another friend, who at 33 is avoiding girls like a plague because he wants to fulfill his dream first, seemed unlike himself. A guy who eats and breathes his passion, seemed too distracted and hassled on Thursday night. On asking the reason, he replied: “My parents are okay, but not fine. What to do? They are getting old.” He was on his way to catch an early morning flight after a day’s hectic assignment, to spend the weekend with them, while calling to check on me.
These guys changed my perception of youngsters not having time for others. I feel blessed they are my friends.
Two weeks back when I got a WhattsApp message from a friend, with a link to an article on “the secret of writing even when disturbed”, tears pinched my eyes. What made her forward such a write-up, I wondered. I felt blessed at how the divine works!
And last but not the least, the two beautiful souls in my life who tolerate my silence and mood swings…I am, indeed, blessed!
So why did I write? To tell you, three points: 1] There are genuine people in this world. 2] Let it go. 3] Count your blessings
There’s only that much you can do in any relationship, even to those who without batting an eyelid will give up their lives for you. Do your best; wish them best and pray for them. Don’t cling on. It hurts. It hurts bad!
I’m still a novice at it. But it already feels good!